# 310

"To live in the hearts left behind is not to die!" Anonymous

 "Once in a while a person touches our lives with words and actions so special that they change us forever. These are the people who extend our vision and inspire us to higher levels of personal achievement. They are our heroes."  H. Jackson Brown, Jr.

A week ago, my coach, friend and mentor passed away.  Stan Kellner meant so much to so many.  Stan entered my life when I was a sophomore at Brentwood High School.  He was the basketball coach and I was part of the basketball team.  Our relationship continued until the day he passed away.  His legacy will live on within me, and within the lives of the people he touched.  Thank you, Stan for the thousands of people whose lives were made better because you crossed their path.  Tom

Great things happen for one of two reasons – either inspiration or desperation. Stan Kellner was desperately looking for more for himself and his players. Stan was coaching at Brentwood High School (NY); Brentwood was notorious for underachieving students. It was one of the largest and poorest schools on Long Island. He wanted his players to be more successful in the classroom, on the court, and in life. But how was he going to help them?

Stan would tell you he wasn’t a great student in school.  As a matter of fact, Stan had been retained in the eighth grade.  He knew there had to be a better way for young people to begin their life’s journey.  Stan came across a book by Dr. Maxwell Maltz, Psycho-Cybernetics.  In a nutshell, Maltz stated: “The key to getting an individual to feel better about themselves and/or their appearance is to change the way they see themselves.  Improve their belief system, change their body language, and develop as system of positive feedback and you improve the way the individual sees themselves. Improve their self-image and their performance will improve accordingly.”

Stan began to play with this theory. He had a post player with stone hands. No matter what drill he tried the young man could not catch the ball. He suggested the young man begin visualizing himself catching the ball with Velcro gloves on his hands. No matter what happened the ball would stick to the Velcro. In a very short period of time the young man turned those hands of stone into sure, confident hands. He became an All-League, All-County, and All-Long Island player.  Stan continued working with his players. And, his players showed remarkable improvement. His teams won nine straight championships.  Numerous players received college scholarships. Several went on to play in either the NBA or CBA, including Mitch Kupchak, LA Lakers General Manager.

Having the great success with his own players, Stan wanted to share the message – to “Make a Difference.”  Stan founded the “Yes, I Can! Basketball camps.  For the past thirty one years, the YIC camps have impacted thousands of players throughout the world. His motto for the “Yes, I Can!” camps was “The Possible Dream”.  Stan would tell campers each summer, “You gotta have a dream to make a dream come true.” Stan wanted them to dream about sports, but to raise the bar far beyond sports. He wanted them to dream about being a lawyer, doctor, teacher, politician, or any of hundreds of different occupations. Stan wanted them to use their imagination to dream of things that can be – he wanted them to spread their wings and fly.

I was fortunate to have had “Uncle Stan” as my coach at Brentwood High School.  A quirk of fate reunited us years later.  Ron Slaymaker was the basketball coach at Emporia State University, and a coaching mentor for me.  He told me he had this coach from New York who was coming to do a basketball camp at ESU.  He told me it was Stan.  For the next 31 years I was fortunate to work with Stan.  He was my mentor constantly teaching me life’s lessons.  Our last conversation was during a recent visit to see him and his wife Martha. I was recently named Athletic Director at Wentworth Military Academy and College, a small college in Missouri – he was so proud.  And, as usual, Stan was giving me advice to help me be more successful in this new undertaking and in life.

Stan Kellner was more than a mentor to me.  He was my friend.  But saying he was my friend can’t accurately describe what “Uncle Stan” was to me.  He was so much more to me and my family.  Quoting the Bette Midler’s song:

“Did I ever tell you you're my hero?
You're everything, everything I wish I could be.
Oh, and I, I could fly higher than an eagle,
'cause you are the wind beneath my wings,
'cause you are the wind beneath my wings.
Thank you, thank you;
Thank God for you, the wind beneath my wings.”
Tom Hughes

The Five Smiles of Coach by Jack Scalia
Note: Jack Scalia was a high school classmate and teammate.  He was a tremendous three sport athlete.  After his competitive sports days were over, Hollywood came calling.  Jack has been featured in movies and TV shows for a number of years. Jack has received Emmy nominations for several shows or series incluing, “All My Children and Dallas (among the nominations). Here is what Jack had to say about Stan: 
 
“Coach meant so much to all of us, in many different ways, we all have our stories. Some were closer than others, but we all have our 'Moments with Stan'.  I just want to share with you a few of mine, and who he was to me.”

The Five Smiles:

1. The genuinely happy, laughing smile - which I experienced later on in life, as a player I didn't know he could really be happy.
2. The pleased smile - usually after a well played game or we were executing on a high level and Miracles of Miracles, we somehow got it right.
3. The Humble smile, usually when he was being congratulated or complimented, he'd look the person in the eye, acknowledge them, then drop his chin a little.
4. The excited smile, when he had a revelation during a game, tapping the clipboard with his pen, scared the heck out of me, my only thought was he's going to introduce something new, and I'm gonna screw it up, somehow he knew, he would start by looking right at me, then the rest of team and finish with me. Maybe I was paranoid( I don't think I was alone )
5. The banging of the clipboard, chin sticking out, red faced timeout, skeleton Grin.  No need to explain that one!

How Rare and Unique of a Man was He? 
His game plan on the court was for the moment, to put us in a position to win the Game. That was the game plan. His Goal (Life Plan) for us was beyond 94' x 50' basketball court. What we didn't know then was, he was preparing us to win in Life. That was the true gift of Coach. Look at how many of us - who listened, followed his Goal Plan, and went on to beat the odds- no matter what the trials (zone) and tribulations (man to man) were.  We had been prepared by a man who had a Vision for All of Us, on a court, that had no dimensions.  Life!

I called him coach out of respect, I called him mentor so he understood his value to me, and I called him friend because he helped teach me the meaning of the word. I called him Stan, once to his face, just to see his reaction, there wasn't one, just a smile, never put a name to that one, just didn't call him Stan, again.  If there's a better Teacher out there, I have as of yet, not met him.”  Jack Scalia

Rich Wrase was a successful high school coach when I first met him during our New York camp.  Rich became the head coach at Suffolk County Community College.  At Suffolk, his teams won several NJCAA National Championships, and he was named National Coach of the Year.  This is what Rich had to say about his friend and mentor.

“Uncle Stan has been my coaching mentor since I started coaching. He advised me on how to handle situations. He was the person who made me laugh when I usually needed a laugh and stuck with me no matter what. He convinced me to never get caught on a Coaches hunt no matter what or there would be dire consequences. (The Coaches hunt was a camp game, and no coach ever wanted to be caught first). I was so lucky to have known Uncle Stan for most of my adult life. I needed him more than he needed me. He took pride in guiding young people in life as well as basketball. Once Uncle Stan got to know you he was your friend for life and he was always so loyal to his friends. Thank you Uncle Stan for everything you gave to all of us.”

Marty Riger – Like Stan, Marty is a Brentwood Coaching legend.  He was a successful high school and college basketball coach and is currently the Director of the NY Knicks basketball camps.  Marty was also Stan’s best friend.

MEMORIES OF STAN by Marty Riger
As I begin my trip down Stan Kellner memory lane a thousand and one thoughts all start to run in to each other.  We go back such a long time (this past September it was 50 years) and have shared so many good times together. I have known Stan almost as long as I have known my wife and at times I'm sure some people thought of us as "an old married couple".  And as Seinfeld said, "not that it's a bad thing".  It will be very difficult to keep this short but I will try.  Perhaps at another time I will have a chance to sit down and write it all.

Stan was my basketball mentor.  He taught me all I ever really needed to know about coaching the game we had a mutual love affair with.  Any success I have ever had can be directly attributed to Stan.  We were each other’s best support system, confidant and friend.  Basketball brought us together but our love for each other kept us together.  Sure, there were times when we disagreed, argued and not liked each other but we always loved each other.  That never wavered.  A big hug always was our path back.

There was so much more to our relationship and in fact, there were times when we became each other.  We even sounded the same.  People would call the high school PE office and mistake Stan for me and me for Stan.  Probably the only two people who got it right all the time were Martha and Linda.

Here are just some of life's teachings that Stan taught me:
"The definition of love is looking for good".  Stan taught me that even though it can be difficult sometime, continue looking and you will find good.  Sometimes it just takes a little longer but it's there. He told me that he would sit in airports by himself (on the way to his many camps) and try to imagine one good thing about every person that passed by.  He was always looking for good.

The skill of reframing or playing the game of "what's good about it?".   When something bad happens reframe it and come up with some good things that will happen because of it.  Cannot tell you how many times that got me through some very tough times.

The ability to create a perfect mental environment.  I specifically remember lying on a gurney about to be wheeled in for one of my many surgeries.  I closed my eyes and put myself in the most tranquil and peaceful place I could be.  I wasn't at Mt. Sinai Hospital but on a beach blanket with Linda and I was listening to the waves break and the wind blowing gently with the skies  perfectly blue.  I was ready for whatever would come.  Of course, after it was over, after my family visited I could always count on seeing Stan's smiling face.  In fact, I implored him not to make me laugh because my chest hurt like hell.

I have lost my best friend.  Right now my thoughts are full of sadness and I am wearing my emotions on my sleeve.  I know when you lose someone close it takes a while for your thoughts to bring a laugh or a smile and I know that will come with time.  Right now I am laughing and smiling through tears as I recall all the great times we had together. 

One last memory.  We were biking together in Greenport one perfect fall day.  We were having a great day.  We stopped to take a drink and just absorb how beautiful the day was.  Two life-long friends  just enjoying each other's company and the day.  Stan looked at me and said, "Rig, are these days endless?".  I thought for a while and responded that yes, these days are endless but let's not take anything for granted.  Unfortunately, I was wrong.   Days like that are not endless and one must learn to enjoy the "Precious Present".  Stan also taught me that.

Brendan Adey, was one of several international coaches to work at the “Yes, I Can!” Basketball Camp.  Brendan wanted to know more about Stan Kellner and his methods.  Brendan and Stan became friends, and considered Stan to be his mentor.  This is what Brendan had to say about Stan:

Occasionally I am asked who is the person or persons who have most impacted my life and Stan, you are always included. I am so grateful that you invited my into your life and it has been my pleasure to share part of our journey together: you are a great friend and mentor.
 
I think it is wonderful that in writing a book about basketball you have shown me, and so many others, a way to see beyond the problems and challenges of the game and to experience the feelings of confidence, concentration and composure, ahead of time, and by doing that you have empowered me to play the other big games of business and life far more effectively by learning the most important lesson of all, trust.
 
I will cherish the memories of those coaches meetings and the 'precious present' of the private times we shared so far ......because for those of us who have been fortunate to know you we know your spirit will always be with us and as you know you are on my 'Coaches Panel' and my 'Board' of the universal mind I will continue to seek your council often. For those who will now never know you in person, as promised I will encourage them to read your book and include them in your 'Yes, I Can, family.
 
Stan you have changed my life forever by challenging me to be the best I can be.  Thank you for helping me on my way. Your work has just begun .......... the best is yet to be!  Your Braveheart from Scotland, Brendan

Dean Paulson was a former Brentwood basketball players, a “Yes, I Can!” campers, counselor, and coach.  He was one of Stan’s “boys”
I remember…
I remember his energy/his passion:  He operated at peak level at all times.  It was encouraging to see, and it was contagious. He was always coaching, always teaching, and there were always questions in the mix.  While I think he wanted to be certain you were paying attention, he was truly interested in what you had to say and offer.  He was one of the most curious people I’ve ever known.  It kept him young.  It kept him sharp.
 
I remember his sense of humor:  It was second to none.  As his camps got under way each day, Coach Kellner would assemble everyone for a quick overview of the day’s lessons.  The counselor’s  called it, “The Monologue”.  It was better than Carson’s, and we looked forward to it each day.  No telling what he might say -- just pull up a seat and enjoy.  I remember when he and Martha purchased their home in Setauket and it needed painting.  About 8 of us helped out, and no one wanted to paint the trim on the highest levels – especially me.  Coach asked me if I thought it would be fair to take turns.   I said yes.  His reply?  “Good, this week is your turn”. 

I remember those eyes:   One look and you knew you had to be on your A-game with him.  The deepest, most intense eyes I’ve known told you he expected your best.  If your eyes wondered away from his during a lesson or conversation, he drew you back in by saying, “I’m up here”.  You were immediately reconnected and back on track.  Coach Kellner was one person you did not want to disappoint.

I remember his caring ways:  He always took care all of us – his family.  He secured needed summer jobs for us during high school, and wrote letters of recommendation when we graduated from college.  Later, he checked in to see how our careers were going.  He cared for us – he cared for our families.  He would always ask how my “beautiful wife (he knew her from high school) and family” were doing. 

I remember his mentoring:  Mentoring is critical, and Coach Kellner mentored more individuals than one can imagine. Mentoring is caring enough to pass along life lessons to others, and he was one of the best at it. Coach Kellner continued, and will continue, to be a mentor to me.

Tom Souder was a high school coach in Ohio working the “Yes, I Can! Camp when we (Stan and I) first met him.  He went on to coach at Ohio State and several other Division I programs.  Tom sent this about Stan:

A frightened kid from small town in Ohio coming to New York City to work a Basketball Camp especially one called "Yes, I Can!”...Is this guy crazy?? Aren't there enough good camps closer that you could have worked?  I was truly blessed forever and often think about the Camp staff from Fordham. I cannot thank you (Marty Riger) and Stan enough for taking me under your wings and showing me how to soar with the eagles.  With your endorsement and confidence, the others accepted this hard-headed young know-it-all from Ohio.  I look back (and it truly does seem like yesterday) on those days with a big smile on my face, but like you said...they are not endless...make sure to enjoy every one!!  Even though I have not seen Stan for a few years, I hear him and the "Yes, I Can" way in my present job as Dean of Students (teaching Behavior) and still coaching!!  Thank God for Stan Kellner and all of you who have helped make my life and my career much more fulfilled!!!

Tim Clouser was a coaching colleague of Stan’s, first as an opposing coach, then as a member of Stan’s CW Post staff.  Stan and Tim were close for many years.  This is a small portion of what Tim shared with me about Stan:

In 1978 Stan and I went to CW Post to become glamorous college coaches. He made me Associate Head Coach which he said meant that I got credit for half the wins and all of the losses.  I remember our first day there and having the AD show us a tiny coach’s office off the gym. We thought it was the basketball office and were shocked to find out that not only were we sharing this office, we were also sharing the one desk that was squeezed in there." You can use the big drawer." we were told. Needless to say our car trunks became our offices and we began to work tirelessly with a team with only one or two players and began recruiting for future Pioneer teams.

TAKING IT TO THE LIMIT, Stan's first book was published that year and it made coaching and communicating with Stan easier. One night at Marist College Stan was really on the officials. I thought he was getting very close to being over the top and so I said, "Stan, you wrote about officials in your book -page 93!  Remember that?" Always quick with the quip Stan retorted " Hey page three "Basketball Cybernetics takes a little time to work."

It makes sense that one of my favorite talks by Stan was the snowflake analogy. He would tell the campers that they were each like snowflakes. They were unique- none of them were the same. He challenged them to celebrate their rarity. He told them that like each snowflake that they were all beautiful and he challenged them to “count their blessings.”
Stan also told the campers that like the snowflake they were perishable and we now sadly have ample evidence that unfortunately this is too true. However knowing Stan and reflecting about his wonderful life in which he gave so much to so many has made me a little less angry about the snowflake being perishable. I have learned now that perishing can be preceded by the creation of a legacy. If we continue to follow the model he set for us. Stan's legacy will continue forever.

Contact Tom at: tomhughes@motivationNmore.com

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